Should we be looking for “the ones” instead of “the one?”
When it comes to dating, I’ve mostly lived in the streets. But I’m not complaining, it’s been fun! I’ve always favored focusing on my career and nurturing deep friendships over finding “the one,” so I feel my best if I do settle down with someone. Plus, the slim pickings in the Nairobi dating scene are the biggest motivator to get out there.
As I’ve been questioning the kind of relationship I want to have with a partner, a whole other progressive dating world has opened up here in Nairobi. And that community isn’t pressed about finding just one— they’re exploring relationships beyond the bounds of monogamy. They’re practicing polyamory.
Polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple romantic relationships, with the consent of all the people involved. It’s founded on the belief that love isn’t finite and that connecting deeply with others shouldn’t be restricted to a single person.
To learn more about polyamory,
I chatted with poly-practicing individuals
to get the tea on having multiple boos. What does having multiple partners offer that monogamy doesn’t? How does sex work? Are there any downsides? The questions go on…
Non-monogamy is considered defiant. Monogamy is the norm, and Sarah tells me when they were monogamous they felt judged for expressing interest to be with multiple people. Sarah practices non-hierarchical polyamory. They doesn’t have a ranking system of primary and secondary partners within their relationships.
“As an individual, I was described as having commitment issues but I was always open about communicating my feelings when I was monogamous.” says Sarah.
Kara thinks sexual liberation in Kenya is “non-existent,” and she shares that she has to explore non-monogomous relationships “among non-Kenyans.”
She is currently monogamous, but previously practiced anchor partners, meaning that there’s no hierarchy with partners and they share life commitments like living spaces and finances.
When I ask why, Charlene*, who practices solo polyamory, which means they prefer to live independently and has multiple partnerships that they don’t define in a hierarchical manner, explains that Kenya’s patriarchal societal is why polyamorous relationships are taboo and rejected.
“The way men interact with the world is that they’re not really trying to have real relationships with women, monogamy is important to them mostly because they’re able to have ownership over women.”
I couldn’t agree more.
But while the patriarchy (and the monogamy it inspires) of Kenya feels dominant, poly-dating is not a niche or new thing. Many are open to having multiple partners, and Charlene says that poly-practices aren’t solely prevalent in those communities.
“Dating in Nairobi, especially in the creative scene is quite polyamorous. A lot of people date each others’ friends or date a bunch of people at once. It’s messy but in some ways we have always engaged in polyamory and open love.”
But polyamory doesn’t have to be messy, and in order to keep everything respectful, they all agree the key is communication.
“When you say communication in poly it’s 1,000,000%, not 100%,” Sarah’s explains. “A pool of people is involved and you have to be able to make sure everyone is looped in and comfortable.”
Boundaries are also determined by the partners in the relationship, so extensive conversations are a must from the jump.
One of the upsides of polyamory is not feeling like your one partner has to be your sun, moon and earth. In poly-relationships, you can hold people who offer you different things close, and you don’t need one person to be your everything.
“There’s usually a quiet expectation that my partner should fulfill everything,” Charlene says of monogamy.
They also agreed that they’ve been
able to explore their sexual health more openly.
“In poly and queer communities, I’ve had the most candid and widespread convos about sexual and mental health. Are you tested? Do you consent? What are your traumas? Turn offs? Do you like toys?” says Charlene. There’s something really liberating and powerful about having those conversations. It pushes you to stay in tune with your body, health-wise and pleasure-wise.
As with any relationship, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows.
In order for a relationship— any relationship— to work, you need to be on the same page with your partner. The more partners in the mix, the harder it is to stay on the same page with everyone. And sometimes, thanks to miscommunication, boundaries are crossed.
“Accommodating multiple partners is definitely work and can be tricky to navigate. There’s also few experienced and older people we can speak to and get advice from compared to monogamous relationships.” Sarah shares.
Plus, there’s so much to unlearn about dating and love.
“It challenges you to unlearn a lot,” Kara explains. “Also boundaries aren’t always black and white and sometimes you don’t see eye to eye.”
And what does starting a family look like for poly individuals? Well, emotionally stable and economically sound it seems.
“Polyamory also breaks down a lot of binary mentalities like with family. A child can have multiple parents and I can buy land with my partners,” Sarah explains.
The other two aren’t for parenthood though. “Don’t want kids. Periodt. In this economy?” Kara shares with a laugh
Healthy romantic relationships are hard to birth, and even harder to sustain. That’s why I’ve been avoiding them. But after learning more about polyamory, I understand the value in being boo’d up with multiple people. It’s not without its challenges, but it seems fulfilling.
Will I give poly-dating a try? Well, that depends on a whole lot of factors. But it’s not off the table. Maybe, when I’m ready, finding the right people will inspire this lady of the streets to give commitment a try.
*name has been changed in order to protect the identity of the source
